Negotiating Christmas with your ex
Anne Miles
Christmas is a challenging time for some families, particularly if a divorce is fresh and children are involved. That means some sound strategies are in order if we’re to have the new life we’re after, rather than spiralling to disaster.
It’s common that the people that you cannot live with continue to be difficult when you’re apart from them. And in some ways it’s worse, because there isn’t any of the good stuff left to soften the balance any more. The negotiations become much more cut-and-dried, and sometimes that means they become much more difficult.
After getting out of a relationship with an abusive man and learning how to have a peaceful and businesslike relationship with him these days, I can vouch for how difficult the path can be and how there are also opportunities for you to pave the way to more harmonious negotiations. It is in your control! Here are my top tips for managing through divorce over Christmas:
Let go of the past.
Sadly, Christmas will not be the same again, but it doesn’t mean that it can’t be great. Hanging onto tradition is tempting at Christmas, but it is not resourceful and doesn’t help you or your family. Another way to look at Christmas is to see this as your opportunity to create a new tradition. I remember having a lot of challenge around the idea of being a ‘broken family’, or not seeing us as a family if we were just three instead of four, however I now have all the power of a family with just the three of us, and its more intact than it ever was, because I made it so. We have our own ways of celebrating, and it’s not necessarily always the same or in the same place but we make it special and make the most of it. Even just the three of us putting up the tree together is one of my lifelong favourite activities I plan to continue until I’m old and grey.
Focus on others
If there are children involved then focus on them and the things that will help them have a great Christmas. It is likely that this will mean spending time with each parent, whichever way that is done. Call me old fashioned, but putting the kids first at Christmas is crucial, and if you’re projecting this to your ex-partner then it’s less likely to come across as being confrontational or spark some competition with them. Likewise, focusing on others’ needs and allowing them to have an equal right to have their own Christmas needs met is a respectful place to start any negotiation. If you don’t have children, or you’re so inclined, simply spending time with a charity is a fantastic way to be grounded at Christmas.
The other side effect to thinking of others is you’re less likely to consider your own woes and dwell in them.
Have a yearly agreement
I know so many people that fear having a big fight with their ex over a settlement or parenting plan and put it off indefinitely. Sadly the worse situation is needing to negotiate every small detail, every single holiday, and it can be all head to head. How wearing! No one has the chance to relax and begin rebuilding their own lives, and the unhealthy connection between you stays intact. My suggestion is to have a plan in advance for how Christmas will be spent each year (and there are many alternatives that could apply). Have this plan in place so that you can always default to it. If things get difficult between you, then the default simply applies – simple. If there are deviations from time to time, then these can be negotiated as and when the need arises, but it is likely to be defused, with an openness that wouldn’t have been there otherwise. If not then the worst case is that the default applies – at least there is something in place and it’s dealt with quickly and with the least amount of emotion.
Ask before deciding
A useful technique to use with difficult people is to start a discussion with them without an outcome in mind. Asking them what they think and how they feel about the problem you’re trying to solve is useful for engaging them, seeing where their boundaries are and what their motivation is, and you can therefore learn how to get something more suitable for yourself by aiming to meet at least some of their needs. When you’re dealing with a difficult person they’re most likely to react badly and often can even aim to go against your wishes just to make it difficult for you. If you don’t have a set idea, they can’t break it, can they? But asking what they want to do, or even just asking their opinion takes the pressure off.
So, all the best with your new life! I trust these tips are a start to getting to the quality new life you deserve after divorce.
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